such good gifts

Shortly after Elliot was born, a colleague said to me, “Doesn’t God give such good gifts?”

Oh, yes. Yes, he really does.

On Mother’s Day 7 years ago, I was feeling a deep sense of peace. Rob and I had just endured a 3-year-long struggle with infertility, involving doctors and counselors and surgery and frustration and emotional pain. And then, finally, I had a profound spiritual experience in which God spoke to me through a friend, and my soul was filled with joy and hope. I envisioned a future of blue skies and open possibilities, and I knew that I could have a happy life even if it didn’t involve being a mother. So that Mother’s Day, rather than feeling grief that I wasn’t a mother, I felt joy and freedom.

One week later, Rob and I became parents (if you know what I mean – wink, wink).

During the pregnancy, Rob’s dad said to us, “Your lives will never be the same.” I shrugged off the weight of that statement. I didn’t want to believe that much would change, other than the fact that we’d have a wonderful new person to love and share our home with us. I seriously thought that we’d have about six months to a year of baby time, and then our child would be fairly low maintenance. We’d put him in child care, I’d go back to work, and life would tick along as it always had. After all, people have been having children for thousands of years. How hard could it be?

I am now awestruck at my ignorance. I knew so little about children and genuinely had no idea how difficult parenthood really is! And we’re only a few years into it!

Of course, God graciously balances out the difficulty with the sheer adorability factor. My kids fill my heart to overflowing every single day. Apart from the times when I want to flee the house screaming out of frustration, I do treasure my time with them. So many people have said to me, “Enjoy these years when your children are small. They go so fast." In the beginning, when I thought babyhood lasted six months, I panicked with every new day, thinking, “It’s almost over! And I love this so much! I don’t want my baby to grow anymore!” I literally made huge efforts to soak up every single minute, to look my child in the eyes and memorize the moment, because I thought my intensive parenting days were nearing completion. Now, all these years later, I realize it doesn’t go that lightning fast, but I still try to be intentionally present as much as possible and to realize how precious every day is.

Motherhood has turned my life upside down. I never anticipated how much my life would change because of these two little souls. Seven years ago, I never dreamed that one Mother’s Day morning I would wake up and walk into the kitchen to shouts of “Happy Mother’s Day!” and be wrapped in hugs and smothered with kisses. That little hands would bring me bouquets of dandelions and buttercups and make me a card with pictures of bleeding heart flowers because they’re one of my favorites. That Rob would be making sausage and eggs and fresh pineapple-strawberry juice for us to have on our beautiful porch in the lush woodlands of New Jersey. 

That I wouldn’t be back in an office job but that my life would be arranged in such a way that I would have time to do a little gardening – including making some hanging baskets for the porch for my Mother’s Day gift.

And that I would have two eager helpers who love to garden as much as I do.

(At least at this moment in time.)

That I would have a little girl who loves Snow White and Barbie and princesses and who looks like Sleeping Beauty.

And that I would have a gorgeous boy who is so sweet and thoughtful and loves soccer and wants to be tough and not cry even when he gets hurt.

That my life revolves around them more than I intended, and that the journey has been so challenging that at times I’ve feared it would break me.

But that God gives such good gifts, beyond what we could ever imagine or dream up for ourselves.

This Mother’s Day, I feel abundantly blessed.